Many people find it difficult to say no to requests for their time, talent, or treasure. It seems this is particularly difficult for those who embrace personal accountability and service to others. Sometimes you don’t really know whether or not you should be saying no. How do you figure that out?
First, you must have a firm handle on your personal priorities and goals. This is the lens through which you will make the decision to say YES or NO. If you haven’t yet spent time in reflection to determine your goals, then your priorities may be fuzzy as well. If this is the case, make time for that reflection. But even if you haven’t done that yet, you can still concentrate on how you FEEL when presented with a request. Excited or deflated? Eager or hesitant? Here are some response options in the moment:
- Immediate YES: Do this only if you are super enthusiastic about it, and see it as an opportunity as much as a service. This is something you want to do, like to do, is aligned with your priorities and goals, and will provide a great service to the person or organization who requested it.
- Example response: “Wow, that sounds great! It will be fun and I have some time available to help. I’m happy to do it.”
- Immediate NO: This is the reverse of the Immediate YES. If any of the following are true, say NO immediately before you are tempted to do otherwise: You don’t want to do it, don’t like to do it, or it’s not aligned with your priorities or goals. When you say no, DO NOT lie or make up excuses; an accountable person owns their motives. That means this phrase is prohibited too: “I don’t have time.” We all HAVE time; we make decisions about how we spend that time. So, own it. Be respectful, polite, and firm.
- Example response: “I am going to have to say no, unfortunately. I have other priorities that I am concentrating on right now, and I wouldn’t be able to give the proper energy to what you are asking of me.”
- Conditional YES: If you are genuinely interested but need to check it against your schedule, talk it over with a spouse/partner/other stakeholder, aren’t feeling well, etc., indicate your pending interest. Ask for a preferred response deadline, and honor it.
- Example response: “Thank you for thinking of me. I am sincerely interested in helping but need to first check on a few things before I can make a firm commitment. When do you need a final answer?”
- Conditional NO: If the request has an element to it that, if changed, would convert your interest level from low to high, say so. DECLINE UNLESS.
- Example response: “That isn’t going to work for me and my schedule. If there is a way it can be [done on a weekend instead] [in a 30-minute meeting instead of an hour] [a donation made after the holidays instead of now] [babysitting only one child rather than two] [dropped off in advance instead of during the stated delivery window], then I could reconsider your request.”
- Don’t know/NO yet: If you are on the fence, or you can’t tell if you are on the fence or are just afraid to say no, postponing your NO (or YES) may be the most comfortable option for you. As with the Conditional YES, ask for a preferred response deadline, and honor it.
- Example response: “Let me think about it and get back to you. When do you need to know by?”
Saying NO gets trickier if the request is coming from your boss or other person of authority in your life. The above advice is likely still valid, but may require tweaking. For example, it may be better to pair your NO with a proposed alternative for getting the task done.
PATTERN ALERT: In any of the above scenarios, if a pattern has formed with a frequent flier (i.e. someone who tends to repeatedly ask you to do things), your best approach will be to have a conversation with the person about it. Though you will have to muster the courage to confront the person, it can save you a ton of time and angst later.
- Example to set up the conversation: “I’d like to talk to you about my priorities and your priorities, and what to do when they are not aligned. Is now a good time to talk or would you prefer to schedule a chat later in the week?”
- Example during the conversation: “I’ve noticed you routinely ask me for help. While I appreciate your confidence in my abilities, there are times when your request conflicts with my priorities and makes it difficult for me to achieve my goals. Can we brainstorm how to handle those cases and develop some general guidelines that are suitable for both of us?
- If after you’ve had this conversation, the person returns to the well anyway, be firm immediately and remind them of the conversation and the agreement you established.
As is typically the case with interpersonal relationships, saying NO may seem simple when outlined in the above fashion, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you say YES when you meant NO. At the same time, keep your priorities and goals top-of-mind to build your conviction. Get comfortable with some discomfort; since people don’t generally like to be told NO, their reaction may make you feel awkward. Fear not! Over time and WITH PRACTICE, saying NO will be both simpler AND easier to do.
Originally published May 16, 2020 on www.kiddenprep.com
